I posted July 7, 2012 Goals and Future Plans which was an assignment for a class. I ended up finding this list today and was very pleased with it. To save time to follow the link I will just quote the post below:
Education/Career
v Get my Masters in Social Work (MSW)
v Get my LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Work)
v Get a PhD. (unknown subject)
v Teach
v Be a counselor/jack of all trades
v Enjoy what I do and learn
v Never stop learning
Personal/Family
v Be happy
v Be sealed in the temple
v Be a mother
v Have a comfortable home
v Be close with my family
v Be a part of my nieces’ (and possibly nephews’) lives
v Be temple worthy
Miscellaneous
v Travel Europe/world
v Be spontaneous
v Go somewhere I don’t speak the language and immerse myself in the culture
While not all of these things have been accomplished and some are perpetual goals of life that do not have a beginning or end - I am pleased to mention the great strides I have taken in my life.
First let's start with Education and Career.
This has been my prime focus for much of the last six years and of the last year to exclude the most recent 4 months.
I moved home to Florida for the FAU Advanced Standing MSW program in July and started in August. This took nine months to complete and was a very different nine months than I had expected. Moving home is a difficult task that many an adult student/professional has had to face in our current economy and culture. While I have to say I did not handle my grief well for the loss of my independence, in retrospect I am able to say how immensely grateful I am for a family and parents who bore with me through the emotional roller coaster of grad school and my mourning period.
Now that might seem dramatic but it truly was a death and a birth period. It was nine months of what seemed like a fight against the support system that was getting me through this hard time - a fight I thought I was having with my parents and my God. In reality it was as Enos said, "I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God". I may have taken my frustrations and doubts out on God or my parents but they were just scapegoats for who I was really battling...ME.
Coming home I saw all the things I didn't have so that I struggled to see the blessings in my life. I was becoming bitter and damned. Stopped in my progress by transference. Blaming everyone else for my circumstances and stresses. I stopped wearing my covenants on my sleeve and began to wear my bitterness like it was in Vogue.
I didn't shift into the world of overt sin but rather the subtle complacency of standing still. I knew that turning 180 degrees from the gospel to worldly pleasures wouldn't cure the emptiness, so I never ventured there, but I also wasn't willing to walk the road to peace either.
So I was kicking against the pricks trying to desperately grasp at meaning and purpose in my life while working through a Master's program I was disengaged from. But I was pleasantly surprised by the amazing and insightful people I met through the program. The curriculum may have fallen short of expectations but the people in some cases far exceeded it.
On my first day of class I sat down in a room full of strangers and wondered how I would make it through the next year. But as it turns out the Lord is aware of us and is preparing our path before we realize we are on one. Dr. Diaz had us all introduce ourselves and I was wondering if I would mention the whole Mormon thing. Mostly because I didn't want to be stereotyped right away (we like to think it doesn't happen in a room full of social workers who are teaching clients to embrace what makes them unique and find meaning in life - but hey we are human and it does). So I mentioned BYU-Idaho because I am proud of what I accomplished/who I became there and most people associate Mormons with Utah. I am also proud of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or a Mormon, my hope is that people can see those parts of me that make me who I am are entwined with what I believe. We sometimes get caught up in labels and the lies we have come to believe about them. And at that point I believed some lies about the label because of that battle inside of me.
So any who - Doctor Who (just a little thing a friend and I love to do when coming off a tangent). I introduced myself and anxiously pondered how I would be received. We had a break come up and I wondered how I would pass the next 15 minutes - everyone seemed to know each other from Undergrad or from the MSW program. We were a mix of advanced standing, full time, and part time MSW students. So as I wrestled inside over making new friends like a middle school girl who moves to a new town after Christmas break, I reached for my lunch to get distracted by my comfort food. As I came back up, there was Kim just brimming with excitement to ask me what ward I was in. Kim happened to sit in the seat to my right. She was a gift from Heaven - no really - the path I was on was so arranged by God it is ridiculous.
Just a brief history about Kim - she is a widow. Now this is not the defining quality of her life but it is an experience that has directed her path. She went to BYU, graduated, and married her husband who would at some point become a sports writer for the Sun Sentinel. They had 3 kids with the greatest hair you will ever see. He got cancer and after a rough battle died. It was roller coaster of emotions and experiences that happened through the cancer and after his death. This brief history will not do him or her justice and I'm sorry for that. She raised their children to be unique, strong, and outside the box kind of people (unless we are thinking Doctor Who because then they are inside the box "because its bigger on the inside"). When her daughter and youngest child got to high school she went back to school and did the part time MSW program, but just prior to our meeting had switched to the full-time program.
So this meant we would be taking the same classes and eventually graduate together in May.
After she told me her name and ward I immediately texted the two people I had known the longest and who seem to be into everything, which means they know everyone. Sister Delgado and Sister Otting. I was doing my research and checking up on her. The next chance we had to talk she mentioned them and I said I had already texted them. They were the two people she knew from my ward and was shocked to realize that I had already contacted them.
Now this might seem silly but this is one of the greatest comforts I could have received from God. She helped me throughout the program and I am grateful beyond words but if I only had that day it would have been enough. What I mean is that it showed me God knew me and as much as I had been feeling shaky in my faith and life direction He was there.
Okay maybe that is a lie - that it was enough. I say that now in retrospect and at the time I recognized God's hand in it but I sometimes let doubt cloud memory of it. Through out the nine months that followed our meeting I fluctuated drastically on the scale of faith. My first semester was laced with - okay it was dripping in bitterness. But after Christmas break I decided to change my appearance because I was dressing like I felt - a bum. And I decided instead to dress like I wanted to be confident and proud. I put on make up and a smile. I wasn't doing the "fake it 'til you make it" thing. I was making an active choice to change and stand my ground. And that is not fake. I would like to say that by time I was done with school I was happy, secure, and amazingly strong in my conviction. I wasn't I was exhausted, confused, and ready for an escape. But I graduated, I accomplished my goal. I made friends, comrades to commiserate with and met a supervisor who to this day helps guide me. Not out of duty but out of desire and pure awesomeness.
I took an escape after I graduated because I needed it. I backpacked Europe and was still fluctuating in faith and learning to live. It was a two month adventure I will address in another chapter/post. NOW I'm home and have been for two months. I thought I would have a job now because of the promises made at my internships prior to graduation but in a series of what seems like unfortunate events non of those have come to pass. I'm living at home, unemployed, and seeking. Seeking a job, a purpose, and meaning.
For a while I thought I was waiting on paper work and processing but now I know that it was just a cover God created to give me time to work on all those things I pushed to the wayside as I was bulldozing my way through life with a laser focus view on my education. So where is my life according to that chart:
Education/Career
v Get my Masters in Social Work (MSW) - (C)heck Yes!
v Get my LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Work) - no job so no money to start this but working on finding a supervisor
v Get a PhD. (unknown subject)- dude I need a job! But if I go Ph.D I want to be a story teller.
v Teach - When I put this I meant academically but I have had a chance to use my education to influence my calling in Young Womens and do presentations.
v Be a counselor/jack of all trades - working on the jack of all trades part - currently party planning (Yay! 50th anniversary Doctor Who party)
v Enjoy what I do and learn - constant process but learning with help of great friends
v Never stop learning - no job means more time to read.
You thought you were going to hear about all the successes the past year and as I recently learned "the dancer and the dance are hopelessly entwined". You come to the joy at the top of the mountain not in spite of the harrowing trek but because of it. And you fight your way up again and again because it is only in opposition, when we are stretched to capacity, that we find within ourselves the truth. Every great doubt or failing we fear is within us is matched by the opposing reality of the capacity for greatness which not only equals but exceeds our perceived shortcomings.
Even when the path we are on seems a great distance from where we thought we'd be or hoped, it is exactly where we need to be if we will but look with new eyes not as a victim of circumstance but as an opportunist (though allow me a more principled view of the term). Take advantage of where you land and soak up all the knowledge, experience, and good fortune of an unexpected journey. Read a book, make a new friend, reconnect with old ones, but more importantly disconnect from the expectations and false assumptions, so you can reconnect with you.
My Education has shifted from external and academic to the internal and existential. I am figuring out myself and facing fears I let direct my life. I am taking the wheel quite literally. This is a journey and I'm not taking it alone. I know I've got friends and family who love me and a God who will guide me.
Things I've found that are helping me through this: Comfort in the like minded but radically more cool
Found this recently and realized my perceived career path may not be what I want or need.
Fell in love with TED Talks: Found amazing women who change the perception of what social workers do. Its not about limiting us but about changing the way we live. Being okay with vulnerability and understanding shame enough to move forward.
Found this recently and realized my perceived career path may not be what I want or need.
Fell in love with TED Talks: Found amazing women who change the perception of what social workers do. Its not about limiting us but about changing the way we live. Being okay with vulnerability and understanding shame enough to move forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment