Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Family Scrapbook Video other Family History Things
So a few things I wanted to add to the blog were things from Oma and Grandma Bernice
Ancestral Histories:
Emilie Herta Heinze
A few years ago prior to going on my mission I posted in my
blog about a trip I took to Germany. The
post is as follows:
“Germany was not at all what I expected. It was not a vacation of sights
but stories. I spent most days from 9am-9pm in a nursing home room playing sudoku
watching my grandma (Granny) taking care of her mom (Oma). Oma was never really
there. She is 89 and her body and mind are mangled by the devastating effects
of Parkinsons. Everyone she loved, husband, friends, brothers and sisters (1O)
are gone. Friends who are left are in the same sad state. At this point though
she doesn’t remember them. She rarely recalls who my Granny is. Yet each Sunday
my Granny calls her from her home in Kansas to talk to her so that even though
she may not know her, she knows she is not alone. I think even though she lives
mostly in her head, until the constant pain with which she exists causes her to
cry out to any one who is there to listen, I think some times all we want is to
know we are not alone.” (3 Sept 2009)
So this experience was at the end of Oma’s life, she was
trapped in her body and her mind was gone.
She was a shell of who she once was and I wanted to know who she was
really. The following is from
information gained from stories told during the long hours at Oma’s bedside and
a recent interview of her daughter Burga Hudson (Granny).
So who was Emilie Herta Heinz, she was a survivor, a mother,
a daughter, a dancer, and a world traveler.
Emilie was born in Oberthomasdorf on the 28th of September
1920. She was the youngest of 10 living children. There were 2 boys and 8
girls. Oberthomasdorf was part of
Czechoslovakia which had been created 2 years prior to her birth. Life for her as the youngest child was
difficult. Her mother was not very
affectionate and this distance reflected in her own relationship with her own
daughter.
Her life and childhood were that of staunch German
life. Her life was one of hard
labor. When she was in her early
twenties she worked as a farm hand and a waitress at the restaurant on the farm. According to Burga, “She helped on the farm and then worked as a waitress when needed. There
she met my father who was playing the harmonica. My mother dated him for a
short time and got pregnant with me. He was transferred to another place before
I was born. My mother filled out the papers and he paid child support, which my
mother put in the bank... My mother found out that his parents had a secondhand
store but she wanted no contact with him after she found out so many things
about him.”
So she met a man and had a child. Her siblings thought this an affront to their
catholic upbringing and this influenced Burga’s life forever. Emilie liked the name Veronica for her
daughter but her sisters thought the child need a good Catholic name to help
counteract the circumstances of her birth so the named her for a German
catholic saint Walburga. She became
known affectionately as Burgi or Burga.
When Burga was a year and a half old her half brother
Alois Heinz Nistler was born 23 April 1944 in hospital in Freiwaldau. His
father was born 24 June 1921 in Adelsdorf near Freiwaldau. They married 28
September 1944 in Oberthomasdorf. He was a soldier and who left the Sudetenland
to fight the war. He was not back when they
had to leave the Sudetenland in 1945/46.
They had to leave because the Czech government took their property and
ordered us to leave. The German
government assigned them a new place to live. They were transported to the
Schwabenland where Emilie, her mother, and children lived in a farmhouse with a
good family until her husband came back from the war.
Her mother remained on the farm
while they moved to another city where Alois would leave each evening on Sunday
to work and return on Saturdays. They lived
like this for a few years. Emilie
enjoyed growing vegetables and fruit which she would can. She also had chickens
and rabbits and goats. They often got eggs and goat milk and she butchered the
animals for food. She often travelled by
bike until she got a moped.
On 19 October 1949 her son, known
affectionately as Heinzi, died after he had been hit on the head by a horse and
then had a stroke after having whopping cough for awhile. He died in
Hinterlintal where they lived and was buried in Spraitbach in the catholic
cemetery. She never quite got over his
loss and later after they had moved away she found out that the cemetery was
had taken up the graves and built a mausoleum and the bodies were destroyed,
this hurt her deeply and influenced her own decision to be cremated upon her
own death.
Emilie’s marriage was not a happy
one according to Burga and on Aug. 1, 1960 they got divorced. By then the
family moved to Schwabisch Gmund and Emilie worked at a good job for the city.
Emilie had worked hard her whole
life and it wasn’t until her later years that she truly was able to live. She was married again in her later years to
Karl Kuschmentz. With him she was able
to travel and see the world going to Italy and other places in Europe she had
always dreamed of. Burga remembers her
in those years as always being well dressed.
She loved to dance. After church
on Sundays they would go to a local restaurant for dinner and dancing. Burga
says that she and her mother would dance together and truly enjoyed this time
together.
She lived actively and
independently up until the age of 85 when she moved into a nursing home where
she quickly declined. Her room filled
with emblems of her live long past. Scarves
of a well dressed woman, gloves from west Germany. All trinkets of a life now
just a memory, rosaries and a picture of the savior symbols of a faith still
burning bright.
Walburga Marie
Heinze
Walburga known as “Burgi” by her family and friends was
born ---- in Oberthomasdorf, Sudetenland.
A country and town in which her family lived for many generations. Her
parents were Otto Winter, who was a German soldier stationed in the Sudetenland
with the German Army. Her mother, Emilie Herta Heinze, worked on a farm that
also had a restaurant. She helped on the farm and then worked as a waitress
when needed. There she met Otto who was playing the harmonica. Her mother dated
him for a short time and got pregnant with Burga. He was transferred to another
place before she was born. Her mother filled out the papers and he paid child
support, which she put in the bank. This was the only contact which she had
with her biological father. Her mother
later discovered that he also had a child with another woman. That child Burga’s half sister was born two
weeks earlier. He did not pay child support for her. Her name was Veronica
Parks. He was also married and had 4 or 5 children with his wife in Koblenz,
Germany.
When
she was about a year old her mother got pregnant with her half-brother, Alois
Heinz Nistler. His father was Alois Nistler. Heinzi was born ---- in hospital
in Freiwaldau. His father and their mother were married 28 September 1944 in
Oberthomasdorf. He was a soldier who left the Sudetenland to fight the war. He
was not back when they had to leave the Sudetenland in 1945/46. They had to
leave because the Czech government took their property and ordered them to
leave. She was almost 4 years old but
still remembers the trip. They were
ordered to bring all that they could and then the Czech soldiers could inspect
and take what they liked. They were
given physicals and deloused because many had contracted lice from the ride in
cattle cars. The German government
assigned them to a new place to live. “We were transported to the Schwabenland
and my grandmother, mother, brother, and I lived in a farmhouse with a good
family until my stepfather came back from the war.”
When
Alois returned from the war her grandmother stayed on that farm but they moved
to another town. In 1949 on 19 October Heinzi died at home in Hinterlintal and
was buried in Spraitbach in the catholic cemetery, after he had been hit on the
head by a horse and then had a stroke after having whooping cough.
Her
grandmother, Anna, moved in with them then and Emilie worked in a bra factory
and my stepfather got a job in a city nearby. Her mother grew and canned fruits
and vegetables and raised goats and rabbits.
Burga remembers a time, “When our
neighbor, a farmer, hired someone to butcher a hog my mother had the same man
also butcher one for us. So we had plenty to eat.”
Burga
either walked to school or took the bus. The school was 2 towns away in the
town where her brother was buried. She
would often pass his grave on her way to
school. Her parents spoke plattdeutsch
at home or High German with others. Her mother had to learn swabisch to work
but her grandmother only spoke plattdeutsh. She said, “I played with the neighbor’s children so I picked up the different
dialects easily. When I was allowed to bring a friend home they thought it was
funny the way I talked to my grandmother.” Burga often spoke to officials
when their family had to deal with the city or the school.
“We played hide and seek and jumped rope.
There was no allowance and I got what I needed. I had the mumps when I was 5 or
6. Most of my friends were about my age and there were more girls than boys. My
8th grade teacher made me feel good about my writing skills. My pet
had been a small goat and I walked with it on a leash. As I got older and
played less with it, I found out that my mother had killed it and we had eaten
it. That made me wonder about eating meat.”
She
remembers her mother was always working but she was good to her. Alois her
stepfather was not very nice to her mother and he often spanked Burga for
things that her brother did because “I
should have made him behave. Most of the time I had to kneel on pieces of wood
(cut to be used for the oven) and I had to look at the wall. If my mother told
him it was enough, he got mad at her.”
Her
parents were never what she would call happy and Aug. 1, 1960 they got
divorced.
“By then we had moved to Schwabisch Gmund and
my mother worked at a good job for the city and my step-dad continued to work
where he had been for years in the city we were now living in. The one good
memory I have of my stepfather was when the 4 of us took a long walk and we got
to a watermill and he moved the wheel so we could see the water running over
the wheel as it would have when the mill had still been in use. My brother and
I laughed and ran that day and we felt so good.”
My mother’s parents were
Anna Magdalena Streit born May 4, 1876 in Streitenhau house #9 and Josef Adam Heinze born Jan 16,
1873 in Adelsdorf house #103. They got married July 30, 1900 in Freiwaldau.
They were catholic. I know that my grandfather fought in Sarajevo with the
Austrian/Hungarian Army during world war I. He was a farmer and died before we
left the Sudetenland so he was buried there. My mother told me that he had
cancer in the throat and pretty much starved to death. My grandmother died July
10, 1958 in Schwabisch Gmund in our home. She was buried in the same city. I
have a picture of my Grandparents and we always called them Oma and Opa, that
is in the dialect of my home. My grandfather’s parents were Heinze Vinzenz and
Theresia Hokel (maiden name). My grandmother’s parents were Johann Streit and
Maria Bose (maiden name).
I lived in Schwabisch Gmund
until Sept 19, 1962 when I moved to Apopka, FL which is near Orlando. I met
Willard Sidney Hudson in June of 1961 at a restaurant that my mother and I
frequently had dinner at. He was an American soldier who spoke little German
and I spoke even less English. By 17 Nov 1961 we got married at the courthouse
and then at the base chapel and my mother fixed a nice meal for us. There were
only 5 of us, my maid of honor, the best man, my husband and I and my mother.
My mother cooked a mixture of German and native Sudetenland food. We ate at our
kitchen table. We had a tradition of placing a lemon dish next to our plates, a
bowl or water with lemon, so that you could clean your hands. My husband did not know this so he took the
lemon out and drank it. We ate spatzle not like the long noodles but just as
long as your thumb with butter, sugar, and cinnamon. It’s a side dish. Meat was a common German dish like breaded
pork chops and sausages. Sometimes it
had paprika like the Hungarians. Our side dishes were spinach, scrambled eggs,
fried potatoes and wheat bread. They were all separate. Every meal started out with soups. This used
to not be the way of doing things in Germany but now they do. No matter what else you ate you had soup.”
Burga
lived in Apopka, Florida and learned to speak English. Many of the words she
learned from her husband were not proper words and so this led to many comical
situations. For example if one of his
nephews wet or soiled his diaper she would say he “crapped” or “pissed” not
knowing people don’t use those when referring to children so they laughed at
her.
She
lived near his family in Florida and remembers many positive times with them.
It was through Willard’s step mother that Burga found the Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter Day Saints. She was visiting a
friend of Willard’s step mother one day and the woman noticed her looking at
the Book of Mormon on the table. She asked, “Have you ever heard of Mormons?”
Burga responded that “Other than
the fact that they have more than one wife she didn’t know anything.” This woman laughed and offered to have the
missionaries visit. Burga agreed out of
politeness and shortly thereafter was baptized with Willard’s step mother. At the time he was in Korea, when he came home
he was suspicious of the missionaries and listened to them to protect his
wife. He ended up joining as well. She
had 4 children with Willard and lived with them in Chapman, KS until their divorce
in 1981 when she moved her family to Manhattan, KS so her kids could be near
the university. She has lived in
Manhattan ever since working in a nursing home until her retirement a few years
ago.
Random:
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| I'm trying to start painting |
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Goals and Future Plans
Education/Career
v
Get my Masters in Social Work (MSW)
v
Get my LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Work)
v
Get a PhD. (unknown subject)
v
Teach
v
Be a counselor/jack of all trades
v
Enjoy what I do and learn
v
Never stop learning
Personal/Family
v
Be happy
v
Be sealed in the temple
v
Be a mother
v
Have a comfortable home
v
Be close with my family
v
Be a part of my nieces’ (and possibly nephews’)
lives
v
Be temple worthy
Miscellaneous
v
Travel Europe/world
v
Be spontaneous
v
Go somewhere I don’t speak the language and
immerse myself in the culture
And just because.... its a short term goal to go to a show...
Sunday, June 10, 2012
My Story: Part 1
So my family history teacher wanted us to write our personal history and post it on our blog so here is mine:
I will start as far back as I can remember. So I am the youngest of four kids. My mom and my father, Craig, were married for
about 9 years when they got divorced. They were married civilly and then
married in the temple. Prior to the
divorce my mom was super active. She had
grown up in the church after her mother (an immigrant from Germany in the
1960s) and father (an American soldier) joined the church. After the divorce she met Mark and
subsequently strayed.
They met in Manhattan Kansas where he was stationed at Ft.
Riley. Craig was stationed in Korea and
living with a woman off base. My mom was
She frustrated and alone. And my aunt,
her brother’s wife, invited her to go dancing.
She took the chance to get a away from everything and it happened to be
at a bar that my aunt went to dance. At
the bar men who asked my mom to dance often treated her like an object. Then my aunt told one of the soldiers to
dance with my mom. She said he was the
only one that night who danced properly.
He held her at a comfortable distance and just respected her. She said it was the first time in a long time
she felt special. That man was Mark.
Then after the divorce Mark was stationed on Oahu. So they went to Hawaii and were married. We stayed with my grandmother for a few weeks
to let them settle and then my mother flew back to get us. I was 5 when they finally married and a year
later he adopted all four of us kids, none of whom were his biologically.
I remember Hawaii being a really fun and happy time for our
family. And it was the time when I met
many of my extended family…coincidence? I think not. Every weekend seemed like a family
vacation. We went to Hanauma Bay,
Diamond Head, China man’s Hat, Pearl Harbor, waterfall hiking, and all the fun touristy
and local adventures for a young family stationed on Schofield Barracks. I remember when my granny came. She bought me a book called “Aloha Bear”
about a polar bear who stowed away on Santa’s sleigh because he was not meant
for the snow and ice so Santa brought him to Hawaii. I traced my hand in it
with her help and learned to read using it.
I still have that book and keep it in a little bag in my childhood box
of memories along with some Disney books from when I was a kid.
My mom and dad were involved in everything. They coached peewee football and went as my
brother played in the Aloha Bowl. The
coached his baseball team…the Pirates.
My mom had this ridiculously short permed haircut but something I will
never forget is how she always seemed to be smiling.
Hawaii was probably the happiest time of my childhood. I was just a kid. I don’t remember fighting other than with my
siblings or neighborhood kids in the way that kids bicker. I remember trying so many new things…like the
hula. We used to go to Luau’s when
family came and my parents sent me up to be in the group to hula on stage. I was fearless and determined as a kid.
One day my parents brought us all in one by one based on
age. Being the youngest I went
first. My parents had made it seem like
we were in trouble but really they bought us roller blades. So I was supposed to act sad when the others
went in. My parents were funny like
that. One Christmas they had this box
that was as tall as my dad next to the tree.
It was for my brother. He opened
that box only to find a smaller box.
This went on for about four or five more boxes until he got to the last
one and found a Nintendo game inside.
So when we got the roller blades we all went outside to use
them. I had a really hard time keeping
my balance. At that time in my life I
had physical therapy sometimes at school.
I was born with a mild form of Cerebral Palsy (I can’t remember if it’s
spastic hemiplegia or spastic diplegia).
So as part of my therapy I did the balance beam and still remained
spastic and clumsy. So that first day
with my roller blades I had to use one of those plastic lawn chairs as a make
shift walker. I figured it out
eventually after refusing to give up and learned something about myself. I learned that although I may have to do it a
little differently than other kids, I could still do anything they could and
anything I wanted to.
You don’t often think about the impact the things of
childhood have had on you but this is an experience I look back on often when
I’m worried about what others will think or if I’m nervous about trying
something new. It may look funny and be
a little different but it’s not about what others think – it’s about me
learning to roll with it.
So I’m not 100% sure this is all accurate but this is how it
happened from my point of view. When my parents met my mom picked up his,
Mark’s, habits. Not that he was a bad man, but he drank and
smoked because socially that's what they did.
My mom grew up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and
even lived with the bishop and his family when her parents divorced during her
senior year. My mother a strong,
hardworking, and compassionate woman strayed from the life style and tenants of
a faith she had as a child and found herself with habits that led to a new
lifestyle. She had found man who was not
of the church who loved her deeper than the man she was sealed to.
While in Hawaii from 1994-1997 the church lost track of my
mom. Until one fateful day when a woman
who lived on base down the street was getting a divorce and had 5 young
children and needed help. My mom went
and helped this woman organize her home.
The woman happened to be a less active member of the church and it came
up while they were cleaning. This woman
ended up going back to church and bore her testimony about my mother being an
answer to her prayers. The Relief
Society president came to visit my mom to thank her for doing something that is
the definition of being in the “relief society” and they had her records again.
We ended up moving to Texas where they made sure her records
as well as our records were sent to Texas.
We all had baby blessings and my brother was baptized so we had record
numbers. The missionaries came to visit
my mom and ended up after a while teaching us.
I ended up going to church for a while before anyone asked us about
baptism (we all had numbers and were older than 8 so no one thought to ask).
One day I was sitting in sacrament and Sister Brown turned to me and said,
"Kandice, have you or your sisters been baptized?" I said, "I don'at know what that is but
I definitely haven't but I don't know about Jessica and Chelsea". I don't remember the missionaries or that
sister very well and I only remember a few tidbits of what the missionaries
taught but it was enough. I was 11
turning 12 when I was baptized May 28, 2000 along with my two sisters. So this will be 12 years and then I didn't
know but I felt and I did the things that enabled me to one day return. I went to church until we moved to Florida in
May of 2001. My mom drove a half hour to
take us to church and never went for herself but I remember we always stopped
at this little burger place. They're the
best burgers I remember ever having ( I didn't get the whole Sabbath day holy
thing then). Those are some of my
favorite memories with my mom. She had
so much faith to drive a half hour to take us and pick us up again. Some may judge her for not going but she gave
me a legacy of faith. She may not have
believed the atonement was for her or heal her pain but she wanted it for her
daughters.
When we moved to Florida I slowly stopped going. I would go occasionally but I became lost
inside myself and my pain (we had some family troubles) and I thought closing
out the world would protect me. I was hot and cold from 12-17. Oddly enough the only thing I went to was
seminary (my sisters drove to school straight from seminary). Many different Young Women presidents/YW
leaders made efforts to come and get me for activities and come on my birthday. Sometimes I would come and others I said mean things and told them to
get lost. They never stopped
coming. Eventually I felt so empty that
anything was better than the pain inside.
I remember a feeling coming to me one day. It was the feeling that I felt when the
missionaries would teach us. I don’t remember
everything they taught but I remember the feeling they brought. Peace.
So I gave the gospel a chance. In
the Book of Mormon it says that you could get nearer to God by abiding by its
precepts and so I took that challenge.
Instead of saying no I said yes to invitations. I opened my heart and the emptiness and anger
slowly dissipated.
I remember coming back to church one time just before a
youth temple trip and the bishop invited me in for an interview. We came to the attending your meetings question
and I said "I know I haven't been coming but if I can go it will help me
to keep coming." I don't know why I
said that I had only been once in Texas but I think I sensed even then the pull
of divine tentacles. Then I just felt it
was better for me, but now I have the knowledge to recognize and cultivate
gratitude for what the Lord did for me. It wasn't until I was 17 that I truly
committed myself to living this. The
Lord placed a wonderful 2nd Counselor in the bishopric who was also a Marriage
and Family Counselor to guide me through my emotions and teach me how to master
them. God gave me YW presidents who saw
in me what I couldn't. And he gave me
spiritual gifts that kept me from straying too far and allowed me to recognize
the truth when it came.
I know that the Lord has been intervening and directing me
along the path that He has prepared for me. This is confirmed just looking in
how I decided where I was going to college.
I applied to mostly Florida schools.
I think outside of Florida I applied to University of Vermont, some
all-girls school in Georgia and BYU-Idaho.
Other than that I got into Florida State University, University of
Central Florida, University of South Florida, and some other schools but really
my first choice was FSU and I had a Bright Futures scholarship that would cover
the cost of my tuition and other fees.
I was sure of my path to FSU, but I wanted to confirm it
with the Lord. I went to the temple to
ask which Florida school I should join.
There was a woman there from Tallahassee and she said I would love FSU’s
Young Single Adults ward. I felt this
distinct impression that I would do well at FSU but I would do better in
Idaho. I was shocked. Idaho was an after-thought in applying. I didn’t really expect to go. But it was where I needed to be. That set me on a course that I never planned
for – friends who taught me to pray, have FHE, encouraged me to get my
patriarchal blessing, and to go on a mission.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Robert Frost
Lately I've been feeling like this poem is what I've been feeling like my life is. A dichotomy of my desire and hatred. Sometimes I feel passion propelling me forward and at the same time my heart has a separate and distinct feeling of emptiness towards all that surrounds me. A part of me that screams to be free and find true fire. An all consuming passion. Not just routine and business. But as this so clearly illustrates the world...my world has no choice but face its destruction at the hand of one of two equally compelling ends.
Maybe it is too late to be waxing philosophic about my existence. Its just I spent tonight with a room full of friends and felt alone...or rather disconnected from it...wishing there was more to it then this. Sitting watching a movie...longing to be free from the mundane or rather to have the mundane have meaning.
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Robert Frost
Lately I've been feeling like this poem is what I've been feeling like my life is. A dichotomy of my desire and hatred. Sometimes I feel passion propelling me forward and at the same time my heart has a separate and distinct feeling of emptiness towards all that surrounds me. A part of me that screams to be free and find true fire. An all consuming passion. Not just routine and business. But as this so clearly illustrates the world...my world has no choice but face its destruction at the hand of one of two equally compelling ends.
Maybe it is too late to be waxing philosophic about my existence. Its just I spent tonight with a room full of friends and felt alone...or rather disconnected from it...wishing there was more to it then this. Sitting watching a movie...longing to be free from the mundane or rather to have the mundane have meaning.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
April and beyond
Other things that I've done this semester include:
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| We thought we would try as a team and CJ went on his own :) |
And then there was Memorial day. We barbecued and had a picnic at our apartment complex!
We had a game night and made homemade pretzels...look its me:
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| Yes I did jump in on her braided pretzel pride picture |
Girls Night at Applebees - virgin specialty drinks were hecka cheap (Anne found a man...that's her face of undying love):
Our Cinco de Mayo party (actually it was Josh's apartment's fiesta) that was a week after Cinco de Mayo:
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| Heather Brown, Angelina Montenegro, Kristen Petersen, Kate Leonard, Kandice Appleby (me), Jennifer Lagiglia |
We went bowling while waiting to watch the Avengers at Fat Cats:
Anne Staples, Jennifer Lagiglia, Maegan Porter, Kandice Appleby (me)
Eating dinner with 603... gnocchi
 |
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| Kate burned her arm while cooking the sweet potato fries for my picnic with Philip |
We painted water colors at the park of what we knew of the other person or what we thought about them
This was his first water color...the one I have is his.
This was how I spent my spring break:
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| Before |
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| Just stepping inside..... |
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| Kinikini loved it! |
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| I look good. |
Yeah we are cool
I love making this face!
I think this is good for now. Its at least covering for what's happened since April.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The Joy of Laughter
journal online is silly and putting myself out there but I would rather be remembered then have it be as though I never was in a few generations.
Lately I've realized how much the Lord has blessed me. I have great things that happened in my life. Two semesters ago I was a mentor for an asperger's group and the next semester I became director. In that role I did a ton of research. I found Drexel's program and how to train and start a mentoring program was laid out. Dr. Horowitz gave me permission to use the material and I built up the program with the help of Wynn Hill who introduced me to the directors of the Health Center. Our program found a home in the Health Center and now Angela Kerr is helping to create structure. Hopefully a website, online applications, and confidentiality forms will be the result. People have contacted me and requested mentors.
Because of this program my teacher Richard Whiting encouraged me to teach a class to replace my Populations at Risk class and within a month of his suggestion I was teaching a class on autism. Brother Whiting also gave me a job as a TA which has been such an incredible blessing. The hours are flexible and exactly enough money to pay tithing and cover the cost of gas to go back and forth to Idaho Falls for my internship at the hospital. And enough to add in a few extra summer fun excursions and activities.
This summer I have been white water rafting for $35 for everything including transportation, equipment, and lunch....
To a Diamond Rio concert...(for $8 at BYU-Idaho's Center Stage)...'
Went to a Relief Society Retreat in Island Park area at bishop's cabin....near amazing scenery....
Went to a Bill Cosby show for $15 courtesy of BYU-Idaho's Center Stage...
And can I say tonight Mr. Cosby made me laugh harder than I ever have in my life. I am so grateful for this night and I got to go with Phillip who I feel like needed this too. I'm so glad that I have great friends in my life and to have the opportunity to go to awesome events like this. I wish I could have recorded it. I think this made my whole month and its only just begun.
Can I just add a note about Phillip and yes I know I'm putting this out into the crazy world of public domain but I feel like saying it and well... I do what I want.
So I was afraid that telling him I liked him would make things weird but I've been surprised that I feel more like myself now than ever. Since we've decided to be friends I don't have to feel like I'm trying to prove something, like trying to convince him why he should be with me. I'm really glad to be friends because like I said before its better then being confused.
Sitting in Bill's show tonight I realized that I love to laugh and I don't do it enough. I have such great things in my life and whining about the one thing that hasn't happened yet does me no good.
I am happy with where my life is going and though I'm not exactly sure where that is yet I know its going to be fantastic. I feel like going home is a good thing. Getting my Master's and not exactly having a plan after that. I'm okay with it. And talking to Phillip tonight I've decided something...if I don't have a set job after I graduate grad school then I'm going to be spontaneous. Go some where and do something that I've always wanted. See the world outside of the classroom and my predictable planned out life. If Chelsea is still in Hungary then I will stay and see Europe with her but if not maybe I can find some program to be a part of and go to some foreign country and use my skills as a social worker and clinical counselor (going for my LCSW) to become a part of the culture and people...to build them up and be built up by them. To not fit into the mold and limitations that I've created in my own mind.
I have been so blessed and one day someone will see me for who I am and want to seek for my happiness but for now I have to find it on my own!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Thoughts on the past, present, and the possible
So I don't write in a journal very often and I rarely post on a blog or Facebook so I thought I would take a few minutes to document my life and thoughts.
So I got into Grad school. I will be starting Florida Atlantic University's Advanced Standing MSW program this month in an online bridge course. I am excited and a little terrified. I feel like right now in order to move forward with my life I need to take a step back or rather a step forward to an old familiar place. Go home and be a strong independent person so that my parents can see me as that person and so that I can feel like that person in their eyes.
So on Sunday I had the opportunity to do the Addiction Recovery Program as usual but this week we started one for the stake. We had 18 people. And it was just so much more real than our ward's group. I feel like the stake group wasn't sermonizing and were doing what President Baron said, "getting rid of the facade."
I had the opportunity to reflect on where I've been, who I am now, and where I am going. I spoke at a ward fireside and it was so hard to put myself out there but the Spirit definitely guided me through it. It flowed from my personal history and how addictions begin almost imperceptibly. Often we don't call it that because maybe the thing we use to numb us isn't a drug, a drink, or a "sin". But it results in the same emptiness, isolation, and enmity towards everything (God, family, and deeper than any hate...yourself).
For me it began with images in movies I shouldn't have watched as a child and then a fixation on a TV show, video games, and anything that took me from my own reality.
It doesn't take long for reality to no longer seem real and for you to build up a reservoir of images and false ideals because the world around you seems in chaos and uncontrollable, that you would give anything to run. But then before you know it your addictions and fixations take what little control you had. Your heart and mind - no longer an escape but a trap of hate and loathing.
If you never truly confess it all and turn it over to the Lord, you can put on that facade and no one will no but you. But it festers and begins to bring that emptiness that you just began to fill with hope. Holding onto even a small piece will eventually lead you back to where you were trying to get away from. I see now that I put myself out there I found I am not alone and my mediocre efforts are acceptable to God because I've climbed halfway up the mountain and I'm still climbing.
I can't say I love everything about myself but I can see the good in who I am and I have a vision of who I can become because the Savior saw in me what my addictions and fixations blinded me to. That I am a daughter of God and I have the potential to be like him and through the Atonement I'm not defined by what I've done or thought but that if I choose to I can be made clean again. As many times as I return is as many times as He will accept my offering.
So I've recently put myself out there in the world of love and it didn't turn out how I hoped but it helped me realize something. When we take that leap and risk our hearts or hopes - whether in the world of love or just in this life - we may not find what we thought we wanted but we do find what we need. COURAGE and STRENGTH. I realized that the hurt of semi rejection doesn't hurt nearly as badly as the doubt of not knowing. I also realized that I am FANTASTIC! Not in an arrogant way but I am. And I want to be with someone and surround myself with people who will see that in me. And who will seek for my happiness as I seek for theirs.
So I got into Grad school. I will be starting Florida Atlantic University's Advanced Standing MSW program this month in an online bridge course. I am excited and a little terrified. I feel like right now in order to move forward with my life I need to take a step back or rather a step forward to an old familiar place. Go home and be a strong independent person so that my parents can see me as that person and so that I can feel like that person in their eyes.
So on Sunday I had the opportunity to do the Addiction Recovery Program as usual but this week we started one for the stake. We had 18 people. And it was just so much more real than our ward's group. I feel like the stake group wasn't sermonizing and were doing what President Baron said, "getting rid of the facade."
I had the opportunity to reflect on where I've been, who I am now, and where I am going. I spoke at a ward fireside and it was so hard to put myself out there but the Spirit definitely guided me through it. It flowed from my personal history and how addictions begin almost imperceptibly. Often we don't call it that because maybe the thing we use to numb us isn't a drug, a drink, or a "sin". But it results in the same emptiness, isolation, and enmity towards everything (God, family, and deeper than any hate...yourself).
For me it began with images in movies I shouldn't have watched as a child and then a fixation on a TV show, video games, and anything that took me from my own reality.
It doesn't take long for reality to no longer seem real and for you to build up a reservoir of images and false ideals because the world around you seems in chaos and uncontrollable, that you would give anything to run. But then before you know it your addictions and fixations take what little control you had. Your heart and mind - no longer an escape but a trap of hate and loathing.
If you never truly confess it all and turn it over to the Lord, you can put on that facade and no one will no but you. But it festers and begins to bring that emptiness that you just began to fill with hope. Holding onto even a small piece will eventually lead you back to where you were trying to get away from. I see now that I put myself out there I found I am not alone and my mediocre efforts are acceptable to God because I've climbed halfway up the mountain and I'm still climbing.
I can't say I love everything about myself but I can see the good in who I am and I have a vision of who I can become because the Savior saw in me what my addictions and fixations blinded me to. That I am a daughter of God and I have the potential to be like him and through the Atonement I'm not defined by what I've done or thought but that if I choose to I can be made clean again. As many times as I return is as many times as He will accept my offering.
So I've recently put myself out there in the world of love and it didn't turn out how I hoped but it helped me realize something. When we take that leap and risk our hearts or hopes - whether in the world of love or just in this life - we may not find what we thought we wanted but we do find what we need. COURAGE and STRENGTH. I realized that the hurt of semi rejection doesn't hurt nearly as badly as the doubt of not knowing. I also realized that I am FANTASTIC! Not in an arrogant way but I am. And I want to be with someone and surround myself with people who will see that in me. And who will seek for my happiness as I seek for theirs.
For so long I have been scared to choose, to decide a path and put my heart out there but I realized that my indecision was preventing me from living. Because even if the path that I chose was wrong, by making a move forward the Lord could correct my path as I went and show me the right way to turn. By not moving at all He couldn't help me. I had to take that step into the dark and be grateful for the friends who help me take that first step.
I really hope that when life happens that I won't be so blinded by what I think I want that I will miss what I really need.
Beautiful Dress for a Beautiful Future
No I'm not currently engaged or even close but I just found these while searching for some other stuff. So since I've found amazing dresses I wanted them somewhere other than facebook or pinterest:
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