So I got into Grad school. I will be starting Florida Atlantic University's Advanced Standing MSW program this month in an online bridge course. I am excited and a little terrified. I feel like right now in order to move forward with my life I need to take a step back or rather a step forward to an old familiar place. Go home and be a strong independent person so that my parents can see me as that person and so that I can feel like that person in their eyes.
So on Sunday I had the opportunity to do the Addiction Recovery Program as usual but this week we started one for the stake. We had 18 people. And it was just so much more real than our ward's group. I feel like the stake group wasn't sermonizing and were doing what President Baron said, "getting rid of the facade."
I had the opportunity to reflect on where I've been, who I am now, and where I am going. I spoke at a ward fireside and it was so hard to put myself out there but the Spirit definitely guided me through it. It flowed from my personal history and how addictions begin almost imperceptibly. Often we don't call it that because maybe the thing we use to numb us isn't a drug, a drink, or a "sin". But it results in the same emptiness, isolation, and enmity towards everything (God, family, and deeper than any hate...yourself).
For me it began with images in movies I shouldn't have watched as a child and then a fixation on a TV show, video games, and anything that took me from my own reality.
It doesn't take long for reality to no longer seem real and for you to build up a reservoir of images and false ideals because the world around you seems in chaos and uncontrollable, that you would give anything to run. But then before you know it your addictions and fixations take what little control you had. Your heart and mind - no longer an escape but a trap of hate and loathing.
If you never truly confess it all and turn it over to the Lord, you can put on that facade and no one will no but you. But it festers and begins to bring that emptiness that you just began to fill with hope. Holding onto even a small piece will eventually lead you back to where you were trying to get away from. I see now that I put myself out there I found I am not alone and my mediocre efforts are acceptable to God because I've climbed halfway up the mountain and I'm still climbing.
I can't say I love everything about myself but I can see the good in who I am and I have a vision of who I can become because the Savior saw in me what my addictions and fixations blinded me to. That I am a daughter of God and I have the potential to be like him and through the Atonement I'm not defined by what I've done or thought but that if I choose to I can be made clean again. As many times as I return is as many times as He will accept my offering.
So I've recently put myself out there in the world of love and it didn't turn out how I hoped but it helped me realize something. When we take that leap and risk our hearts or hopes - whether in the world of love or just in this life - we may not find what we thought we wanted but we do find what we need. COURAGE and STRENGTH. I realized that the hurt of semi rejection doesn't hurt nearly as badly as the doubt of not knowing. I also realized that I am FANTASTIC! Not in an arrogant way but I am. And I want to be with someone and surround myself with people who will see that in me. And who will seek for my happiness as I seek for theirs.
For so long I have been scared to choose, to decide a path and put my heart out there but I realized that my indecision was preventing me from living. Because even if the path that I chose was wrong, by making a move forward the Lord could correct my path as I went and show me the right way to turn. By not moving at all He couldn't help me. I had to take that step into the dark and be grateful for the friends who help me take that first step.
I really hope that when life happens that I won't be so blinded by what I think I want that I will miss what I really need.
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